One of my earliest memories is of my father singing Sade’s No Ordinary Love to his wife. He would prance around the living room to entertain my mother and me on those hot Lagos nights. All I ever wanted in this life of sin, was that kind of pure unadulterated love. The way he’d make his special egusi soup whenever she was sick, his hand holding hers when they’d take their evening walks, the undeniable pride that gleamed from his eyes whenever he called himself her husband. I’ve been yearning for that for myself for countless eternities.
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave me, a hefty bill at a Chinese restaurant.
“You need to get on Bumble Jadesola, at this point, I don’t know what I can do for you.”
I hated having these conversations with Rose. She’d been with her boyfriend for two years. I could sense her hesitation whenever she wanted to talk about him. She’d never say it, but I knew she felt sorry for me.
“I’ve never envisioned that I’d meet my person on the internet,” I said put off by the whole conversation.
“Babe heaven helps those who help themselves.”
We set up my profile together. Whatever happened to romance? Now you can order love online with a side of plantain.
“No, that guy is too short don’t swipe right. We want a tall man for you.”
She seemed like she knew what she was doing. We sat on her couch drinking wine and swiping through the minefield of eligible bachelors.
“No! This one looks wicked.”
“What does that even mean?” I laughed.
“Sometimes you can just tell.”
I threw a pillow at her face.
“Wait, wait what about this guy.”
His name was Adamu. He liked football and video games. He seemed nice enough.
“Wow, that smile of yours” was his opener.
“I’m definitely smiling now,” I responded.
We chatted for a bit and two days later, he officially asked me out on a date.
We met at a Chinese restaurant in Wuse II. I was a ball of nerves leading up to it. I hadn’t been on a date in so long.
We talked about work, family, and our hopes and dreams over chow mein.
He asked me about my previous relationships. I’d never been in one before.
“I was with my ex for nine months but we broke up because we just didn’t go well together,” I said lying
through my teeth.
“I see,” he said like he believed me. “My last relationship was a disaster. She was crazy. But I think I
have a thing for crazy girls.”
Two cocktails later I was suddenly comfortable. Adamu felt like an old pair of jeans. You try it on and you’re shocked that it fits.
When the bill came he fumbled for his wallet and then a look of shock masked his face.
“Wow, I left my wallet at home. I’m so sorry. Do you mind paying? I promise I’ll pay for everything next
time.”
I paid, we hugged, and I left. At least I got some complimentary dumplings from their Christmas
promo.
Two days later he texted me.
“Sarah I had so much fun last night. Best head of my life.”
I texted back “wrong number” and blocked him.
I have this recurring nightmare that I’m being operated on but they forget to give me anaesthesia. I’m screaming but they don’t hear me.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave me a broken spirit, soul and body.
“Jesus Christ is the reason for the season. We must rejoice and be glad in him,” the Pastor’s sermon had been going on for 40 minutes. I could tell that I wasn’t the only one that was bored. I glanced over at Jeremy sitting a row from me. He scrolled through his phone hidden in his Bible. I hadn’t used that trick since I was sixteen. Jeremy had been my church crush for as long as I could remember. He always smelled like shea butter. He caught me staring at him and I looked away pretending to be caught in the rapture of sister Stella’s special number rendition of ‘O Holy Night.’ After church, I went to pick up my niece from the children’s section. I hugged her and asked what she learned from Sunday school. She mumbled something about loving your neighbour.
“Aunty Jadesola that man is staring at you,” she pointed.
I looked up. It was Jeremy smiling at me. His teeth were so damn white.
“Hi, I’m Jeremy,” he brought his hand out to shake mine.
“I know who you are,” I shook his hand. Soft as a cloud.
“Oh yeah, I think our mums are in the choir together.”
We looked at each other for what felt like hours.
“So, can I get your phone number? I’d love to take you out sometime.”
I awkwardly typed my number into his phone and told him to text me.
As we walked away, my niece asked if that was my boyfriend.
“Feyikemi mind your business,” I said as she laughed at me.
The week to come was nothing short of sublime. Jeremy was the perfect gentleman. The one I had envisioned all this time. I was typically a homebody. I hated being perceived by the world but he convinced me to leave my house.
How could I say no when he looked at me the way he did?
His eyes bore through my soul. We saw a movie for our first date. A silly action film I barely paid attention to because I wanted him to kiss me so badly. He kissed me when the credits rolled. It was magic. I felt so seen with him. I felt beautiful.
My co-workers must have thought I was going crazy. I’d think of a silly joke of his in the middle of a meeting and smile to myself. I was a blushing fool.
The Friday before Christmas, he took me to his favourite club. It was throwback night and we bumped and grinded to Styl-Plus and Sunny Neji. There were sweaty bodies all around us but it felt like just us. When ‘Abosede’ came on, he held me tight and gave me that look that made me feel naked. Was it the vodka or was I falling in love with this man? Looking back that was a bitter omen. That song is ridiculously heartbreaking. When my feet could no longer move, he offered to take me home. We stopped for suya and I couldn’t keep my lips off his.
“Madam let him pay,” the suya man was clearly irritated.
I giggled as we came up for air. “I don’t want to go home.”
“What do you mean aren’t you exhausted?” he asked.
“Let’s go back to yours.”
“As you wish,” he smiled his wicked smile.
He lived in the boy’s quarters of his family home, so I didn’t have to be quiet. We made sweet, beautiful love. Our bodies fit together like two perfect puzzle pieces. Complete and utter bliss.
The next event was straight out of a Nollywood film. I made peppered gizzard and brought it to his house. A random girl opened the door in his T-shirt.
“Who are you?” she asked her arms folded.
“Nobody.” I turned around and walked away my heart pounding in my chest.
“Well, just in case you don’t know, Jeremy is my boyfriend,” she called after me. She wanted to be sure that I knew.
Sometimes heartbreak manifests itself as physical illness. I can’t count the number of Panadol I swallowed that weekend.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave me, some fucking clarity.
There’s this white man Jack who works at my NGO. He calls me Jade like the rock. He asked me to meet him for drinks after work.
I didn’t realize it was a date until I showed up and he started undressing me with his eyes.
I tried to keep things PG, but he’d find a way to make a comment about my sexy full lips. I asked him why he ended up working in Nigeria.
“I was extremely privileged growing up in Colorado and there are so many poor people in Africa that never had the opportunities I’ve had. I just wanted to make a difference.”
“Look you clearly have some white saviour complex fetish thing going on. I can’t do this,” I picked up my purse to leave.
“But wait Jade.”
“My name is Jadesola, not Jade. Colonizer!” I walked out of the bar and called an Uber holding back tears.
My sister called me. “Tomi, I can’t talk right now”
“Please talk to Feyikemi, she won’t stop crying for you.”
She gave my niece the phone.
“Aunty Jadesola they’re throwing banger outside and I’m scared,” she said between sobs.
I sang soothingly to her like I did whenever she got scared and she calmed down.
I was not loveless like I thought I was. My niece’s laughter, my father’s egusi soup, Rose’s terrible jokes. Love takes many forms.
