In writing this, the questions in my mind were: “Do opposites attract? Or do people eventually fall in love with those they are like?”
In a study by Erin Brummett titled ‘Race doesn’t matter: A Dialogic Analysis of Interracial Romance Partner’s Stories about Racial Differences’, one of the participants answered, when Brummett asked whether race played a vital role in romantic relationships, that rather than racial differences, cultural differences proved to be more problematic for her and her partner. These cultural differences and the problems they brought about threatened their relationship and its progression to marriage.
“What is it with people being more comfortable with someone culturally like them anyway?”
I liked someone very recently. (‘Liked’ implying that I no longer have feelings for this person). This person I liked shared a fundamental similarity with me; we are from the same ethnic group. Besides this, we also shared some other similarities. Our families have similar backgrounds. We are also of the same religion. We are around the same age, so we watched the same movies and tv shows growing up. We both want to be lawyers. We share similar music tastes to a minimal extent, but that is probably because I listen to everything, and he listens to Amy Winehouse. Other than these, we shared no more similarities. But I thought that the ones we shared were enough.
What should’ve been alarming was the number of dis-similarities between us. We were almost at the extreme ends of the political spectrum. He couldn’t understand my interest in fiction and literature or academic philosophy. I couldn’t understand his interest in finance and bitcoin. He couldn’t understand my interest in East Asian music and cinema, and I couldn’t watch one of his movie recommendations because I couldn’t enjoy movies with superheroes or dystopian concepts. He also could not understand my interest in languages, and I couldn’t understand his lack of passion for languages.
In conclusion, we are very different people. But Victor Karandeshev said in his article, ‘A Cultural Perspective on Romantic Love’ that love is a universal and biologically based emotion. So, when you like someone, it’s your guts and instincts- ‘your heart’ to put in flowery and romantic language.
My friends were against this. They insisted that we were too different, so it was a senseless decision to pursue anything with this person. But I accused them of policing my love. I thought he would eventually come to love what I loved, and I would eventually come around to his interests. Sometimes what matters is love.
After a couple of dates with this person, I stopped liking him. I realised that we would be better off as friends. I can now confidently say that I was obsessed with the fact that we shared the same ethnicity, and it formed a large part of why I was interested in him. I wanted to be with a man of my own culture and ethnic group. This possibility was most delightful to me. At a point, it was no longer my feelings for him as a person, but my feelings for a man culturally like me. I fell in love with the sense of comfort and safety- I thought to myself: picking this man, who is culturally like me, is the best option because I will be with someone similar.
Our shared ethnicity was enough to think that he was culturally like me in my head. And this was enough to cover up for the rest of the dissimilarities we had. But I came to the very late realisation that ethnic likeness did not automatically translate to cultural similarity. But it does somewhat mean that this person was like you. I felt this man was perfect because I would not have to face any social ex-communication, wouldn’t need to navigate two different ethnic weddings, parental disapproval, disagreements etc. It would be a beautifully perfect union between two similar people. I couldn’t admit this to anyone, and I kept the fact to myself that I was excited to like this man from my ethnic group.
“Why was it so important that my love and I shared a similarity?”
In the article, ‘Intercultural Relationships: Entry, Adjustment and Cultural Negotiations’, an intercultural couple is said to be the union between two people of different nationalities, but what makes their relationship intercultural is that it is characterised by more significant differences between the partners in the wider variety of areas, with race, religion, ethnicity, and national origin being some of the primary factors. In this same article, the writers claimed that individuals from different but similar cultures are more likely to enter intimate relationships because they tend to have more comparable attitudes, values, and beliefs. In addition, things tend to be more peaceful when with someone who has a similar philosophy.
Additionally, this article has said that ‘the decision to enter an intercultural marriage may be easier when the partner’s cultures are similar, or the couple can find complementary values amidst their different backgrounds.’ This is the power of ‘similarity’, and it is probably due to how fluid it is. Therefore, I’m afraid I have to disagree with the opposites attract claim- because how opposite are we from each other anyway? We probably share a similarity or similarities with every person, but this is a wild claim. However, my main point is that you are more likely and probably going to date or marry or partner up with someone like you in some way.
After my feelings for this man had ended, I realised that there was nothing else besides the few similarities we shared. And I learned during the dates that we wouldn’t get along as lovers. However, the infatuation with this ethnic similarity made me oblivious to this fact. It was always clear that we had different views and interests in life and personalities. Still, he was an attractive man of my ethnicity, and I thought- it was perfect. And I liked him because love is a gut feeling- it’s almost biological, and there’s no difference in personality in biology. There is no ethnicity in biology.
However, the infatuation ended when I realised the danger of what I was doing. I had somehow put my ethnicity above all my other selves without knowing. My identity as a Yoruba woman is fundamental to me. But it isn’t the only important identity I have. However, I thought it was enough; I thought our shared ethnicity was enough. And perhaps that would have been enough because sometimes it is. For many older generations, arranged marriages or intracultural marriages worked, and it continues for some.
When searching for someone culturally like you, it is essential to remember that culture is not one thing. And the similarity is also not just one thing. There are countless identities and selves that exist within a person, and each part should be allocated fair value and importance when searching for love and friendships.
And here is my conclusion. I liked this person because, like me, he is Yoruba. Both of us shared this ethnicity and some likeness. However, that is where it ended. He didn’t share those other vital parts of me, and neither did I of him. Even if those dates worked out, could the love have been preserved? I am multicultural and multifaceted- all my different cultures are an integral part of me, just as my ethnicity is essential. And because he didn’t share those parts of me, and he didn’t seem open to learning about them, pursuing a relationship would mean I had to pack all my other selves into a casket.
Many people, often women, are more likely to ‘pack their other-selves into a casket’- when it comes to relationships- both romantic and non-romantic. Even in careers! Perhaps because love is a consuming emotion, and desire is tough to contain. We must learn to love all our selves and give them the value they deserve. The next time I find someone else to love, I will ask myself, and I mean my whole self, is there any part I feel I have set aside to let my love flourish? Are all my identities satisfied? Does this person share a part, and to whatever extent, of me, and do I have the person? This is my solution to combating the all-consuming love and unwaning desire in this new millennium.